Katie: Once more unto the breach oh dear fellow reviewers.. Oh once more! This time, this was a pick of mine. I was walking through Barnes and Nobel one day, perusing the Romance novel section and drifting into the Erotica. I was getting tired of my usual fare of shape shifting men and stories about time traveling Scottish druids. I wanted to switch things up. My eyes spied Rayne… Lords of Satyr. The cover intrigued me. It was bordello red with just a picture of a naked man on the cover. A rather tasteful artistic pose, the kind you’d have an ancient Greek sculptor try to recreate. Reading the Synopsis on the back I saw it was set in mid-nineteenth century Italy and featured Sexy satyrs who were guardians between this world and the world where all the magical Greek creatures existed. Eighteen years ago the king of this magical world took a jaunt into the human world and sired three daughters on three different women. It was the Lords of Satyr’s job to find these half fairy, half human women, assure them that their being different is normal and take them as their brides. I thought I always loved ancient Greek and roman mythology, and this seemed to be set in the late 1800’s so it had a historical romance feel. Given the summary on the back and the tastefully erotic picture on the front I thought I was going to be treated to an old school historical romance bodice ripper with a little twist of magic and a lot more bodices getting ripped. I was wrong. Within the first five pages I find out that Satyrs, once a month, need to fuck the living shit out of something using both of their penises.
Heather: yes. That’s right. BOTH Peens.
Katie: Heather… what is it with me and the two peen book?
Heather: you have a talent for duo p33ns I am betting when you get back from vaca you’ll have found the duo p33n from our TBR pile.
Katie: Apparently I do. After that shock I find out that these men aren’t just horny, they are super horny. However they have the ability to summon something called Shimmerskins which are akin to holodeck conjured people. They can fuck those over and over instead of the neighborhood needing to hide the kids, hide the wives and hide the husbands because they’ll be raping everybody.
Heather: after reading Raine, I am incredibly grateful for the shimmer skins.
Katie: OK. So these two penises are positioned so that one goes in her vagoo and the other into her anus. And apparently the one in the anus is ‘bone like” Not a boner… BONE LIKE.
Heather: this is my face:
Katie: She’s not green enough. So I continue reading hoping this would pick up and be better because, style wise, the author had excellent descriptive skills. If she was writing about something less… graphic, shall we say, it would be a hell of a read.
See… we aren’t TOTAL bitches, but it was like watching Sam Raimi direct that Super Mario Brothers Porn Parody.
Heather: we haven’t mentioned Jordan, the heroine yet.
Katie: Oh god… you… you do it Heather. I… I need PTSD treatment…
Heather: the fact that this is a triple p33n book and there’s only one hero?
Katie: Yes… that.
Heather: this is a spoiler, but it bears mentioning. The heroine is intersexed. If I had been informed via blurb that would have been better.
Katie: That was my face at that point.
Heather: It’s handled realistically, which is to say that the heroine is treated like a freak, and while she considers herself a woman, she claims male status so that she isn’t disinherited.
Katie: That, I think, is the most disconcerting thing about the whole thing. The author does not shy away from anything. At all. Not the graphic description of how the Doctor at her birth declared her a boy and struck a deal with her mother to be able to use her for his own political gain. What she endures, being put naked, splayed and on display for viewing, wearing a mask to conceal her identify. And the private ‘after’ party she’d forced to endure where the doctor invites perfect strangers to shove their entire hand up her ass to feel her uterus.
Heather: at which point I think I gagged.
Katie: Thank god she ran at that point. Of course, Raine recognizes her from the show, (he did attend at the behest of a Bishop who wants to shove his syphilis riddled bishop up Raine’s ass). What happens next? The pair proceed to quickly get it on.
Heather: Er, the hero and heroine, for clarification.
Katie: That, was likely, the most normal part of the whole book if you can forget the part about how the heroine uses ribbons to tie her penis to her belly.
Katie: I think that’s what disturbed me the most, how the author did not under any circumstances shy away from the realistically brutal side of the story. She pulled no punches about the consequences for actions. Well, except for Peen size.
Heather: Can we talk for a minute about Jordan’s anatomy and romance novels? Because this affected my read. Jordan is described as having “a small penis.” And then in another description, it’s given at about five inches. Five is pretty average size for a guy. Of course, in Romancelandia, every man is Ron Jeremy.
Katie: and in this case, the Satyr is SOOO huge human women need a special potion to be able to get horny and relaxed enough to take the Satyr during that time of the month where the second peen appears. Or is it third? Second peen on the man, anyway. And I can’t forget the brief mention of “The seeker”. The tail Satyrs have? It’s really secreting healing juices to make sure the woman can take them ALL night without bruising. I think that’s just the author’s way of explaining how these two can Fuck now, fuck again, fuck some more and then in the morning have some nookie without the girl walking funny.
Heather: but what about boredom?
Heather: I know it’s Romancelandia, but there comes a point where penis goes in vajaja gets old. Er, two penises…Er, three penises…
Katie: I thought only the internet was supposed to get you jaded and bored with sex?
Heather: it is a rule 34 kind of book.
Katie: No…this… this is a /b/ book. I read this thing, start… to finish. I told Heather about it, only because I didn’t want to be alone in my suffering. But I did give her fair warning.
Heather: there isn’t enough warning in the world for extra peen and stone sex.
Katie: Oh god… I forgot for a moment. How could I forget the Magic rape.
Heather: Magic and rape are not two words that should never go together.
Katie: Heroine was enchanted by Morpheus into wandering out into the garden and riding a stone peen.
Heather: that scene made my lady bits want to shut up and lock the door.
Katie: And… Apparently if you do that while dreaming and come, he makes you pregnant. So what does our Gallant Hero do? What is his logical solution? Make a magical potion like a morning after pill? Hold her while she cries? Nope. Wakes her up by shoving his own peen in her and summoning the magic to send her his viable baby batter in hopes his sperm will duke it out with the other dude’s sperm and win.
Heather: Only in Romancelandia can you get away with that and still be a hero.
Katie: Fellas… please. Your sperm doesn’t work that way. And don’t solve my sexual trauma with more boning.
Heather: but…more boning solves everything! Alternatively, watching you sleep solves everything too.
Katie: No… I will NOT read that series. You want to punish me for giving you Raine, make me read another in this series. Shall we sum up? Before I throw up?
Heather: I can’t do that to you. Yes, let’s sum up.
Katie: I think we can agree, if we make the Herculean effort to set aside the subject material and look at author skill alone, the woman has got it. She paints a vivid world (maybe too vivid at times), I never lacked for a mental picture, even when I didn’t want one. She has every skill needed for an excellent romance or Erotica author given her character development and her rich description.
Heather: I’ll agree to that, and if she was on a subject that I enjoyed and wasn’t squicked out by, I’d be into her writing, but this is just not my cuppa. There was just too much violence committed to the heroine for me to be able to relax and enjoy the hot nookie scenes.
Katie: So… shall we do a rare… Author skill B+ to A-, but the book itself, given the deceptive back of book description and the subject material, we are awarding this book no points… and may god have mercy on our souls.
Heather: And also, brain bleach.
Katie: I think I’m gonna need a whole lotta serious therapy.